The Adventures of NaruChan in PornoLand
by Miss Madd
Summary: Naruto knew being forced to play Alice in the school’s version of Alice in Wonderland would be a pain… but he never knew how painful until the story takes a deranged and very… erotic twist as his Wonderland becomes PornoLand. Yaoi, Lemons, Limes, ukenaru
1. Chapter 1

The Adventures of Naru-Chan in Porno-Land

By: Madd Envy Freak

---

Summary: Naruto knew being forced to play Alice in the school's version of Alice in Wonderland would be a pain… but he never knew how painful until the story takes a deranged and very… erotic twist as his Wonderland becomes Porno-Land.

Warnings: Eventual Lemons, Limes, Anal, N/C (kinda…), toys (again… kind of), threesomes, and Ramen misuse.

Pairings: ItaSasuNaru, KakaJiraNaru, NejiNaru, OroNaru, SaiNaru, and many others

A/N: Ok… so. Yeah. This is a parody of Alice in Wonderland, set in High School AU. Well, for the first chapter, anyway. LMFAO.

---

Chapter One: Alice in Ties

---

This was complete and utter bullshit. Alice in Wonderland? Did anyone even watch that anymore? Sure, having to act out Romeo and Juliet was so overdone and everything but at least Romeo (which he would obviously get the part of!) got to kiss his darling Juliet! Who would most definitely be Sakura, since they were destined to be together! He could climb up the ladder to his Lady of Love and whisk her away in his arms and they would live happily ever after!

Sadly for him, Naruto was too busy daydreaming to notice the object of his affection slam into his shoulder as she passed, "Watch it, you idiot!" the pink haired angel of his dreams barked.

Ah, yes, they were destined for each other. She just didn't know it yet was all.

This, if he was honest with himself, was a pretty big problem.

But that didn't matter! He was Naruto Uzumaki! He could win Sakura over from that evil Sasuke-Bastard, no problem!

He just wasn't sure how to go about that, yet.

Stupid play.

Ruined all of his plans!

But, then again, if he could get a good part in this play… maybe Sakura would notice him after all? Yes! And he would be better than that damned Sasuke, too! He, Naruto, the most-awesomely skilled ninja in all of high school would win!

Well, he thought himself a ninja at least.

The rest of the school just thought he was nuts.

Not that he cared what they thought of him anymore. Who knows—maybe they were the crazy ones!

Of course, he was the certified schizoid who heard voices, but that didn't matter in the slightest! Nope… not at all…

He felt his left eye twitch as he slammed his locker door shut.

God, he hated this damned school.

Especially that stupid Sasuke-Bastard!

Everyday that Bastard would strut down the hall like some pampered peacock with his little fan club trailing along behind him. Granted, he knew his war on the Uchiha was pointless, but he just couldn't help himself. He hated the Bastard that much…which was ironic, since they used to be best friends when they were in middle school.

But… that was a completely different, pointless thing to think about, he reminded himself as he tucked his book securely under a long, tanned arm.

Now, what was he complaining about this time?

Oh yeah.

Stupid Alice in stupid Wonderland.

But, he would get the best part ever and win his darling Sakura! Yes!

---

When he said he wanted to best part he didn't mean the main character; a friggin _girl. _Which he promptly told the director of the play, his own beloved teacher, Iruka, "Iruka, I can't play Alice."

Iruka looked up from his clipboard to blink briefly at the boy before going back to check things off, "What do you mean, Naruto? Alice is the lead roll! You should feel happy."

Did Iruka not understand that he had manly pride to uphold here?

"Iruka… Alice is a _girl_."

"So?"

"I'm a BOY, Iruka!"

The scarred brunet sighed heavily as he turned to face the blond fully, a slight twinge of annoyance on his face as he propped his hands on his hips, "Naruto. This isn't up for discussion. This play is mandatory for your English class, you take it or fail and do it next year anyway."

"But Iruka," Naruto whined, plastering on his most adorable puppy-dog eyes, "isn't there some other part I could play? Anything?"

Iruka shook his head, going back to his clipboard, "No. Now go get ready for practice—you're costume is in the dressing room."

Damn it.

He should have known his eyes would have no effect on the evil teacher!

---

Oh God. This was… this was…

Sick.

Completely and utterly _sick_.

How could Iruka expect him to wear this… thing?

For fuck's sake, it was made out of old, ragged ties!

As if sensing his horror, the shy girl in charge of costumes looked up, stammering, "I-I'm sorry, N-Naruto… b-but the costumes were d-donated… and t-that's the only d-dress or s-skirt… s-so…"

Sighing to himself, Naruto managed to give Hinata a weak smile before shrugging, "It's alright, I guess. At least the sock… things have orange."

And have orange they did. After Naruto had scurried away to change for dress rehearsals, he found himself staring at his, uh, _uniquely_ dressed twin in the mirror. A tan-peach shaded long short, cuffs, a skirt made of an assortment of ties, tight as hell arm and leg warmers (well, he thought they were warmers… but they looked more like spandex to him) and huge combat boots—which were about three sizes too small. Great. He looked like even more of a freak than usual.

Even worse, the outfit was old, smelly, and had more holes than he could count.

Fucking. Great.

Now Sakura would never look at him without laughing!

Resigning himself to his impending humiliation, he trudged out into the set and put his hands on his slim hips, glaring at everyone as if daring them to laugh.

Karin did.

"Oh my God, you look like a pansy!" The devil-woman shrieked—or was that laughter?—as she pointed at him.

Naruto huffed, tan cheeks turning red as he crossed his arms over his chest, "Shut up! At least I got a part!"

The black haired teen paused, glaring, as she turned around to stalk after Sasuke who was standing as far away from his older brother as he could all while trying to talk Iruka out of making him wear rabbit ears.

Well, at least Naruto wasn't the March Hare.

But, would he rather wear a skirt or rabbit ears?

Hmm.

Was their a neither option?

Knowing Iruka, no.

"You look very good in that outfit, Naruto-kun. Perhaps you really are dick-less?"

Great, just what he needed: Sai.

Naruto turned to glower at his fellow classmate (aka inmate) as he retorted in a grumbled pout, "You're the one with the cat-ears; I wouldn't talk if I was you…"

Sai just grinned that eerie grin of his as he shrugged, turning to show off his matching striped tail. It annoyed Naruto, really, that Sai made such an awesome Cheshire Cat. He just looked so… _natural_.

It was both awe-inspiring and insanely creepy.

"You are just jealous, Naruto-kun."

"Tch, whatever."

Sai propped an elbow up on Naruto's shoulder as he looked around, bored, "The teachers are in the play as well."

Naruto groaned his acknowledgement.

No doubt two of those teachers (the perverted ones) would try to cop-a-feel on him during practice.

Perverted bastards.

Naruto was brought out of his ponderings when Iruka began clapping his hands together, motioning the mismatched and poorly costumed lot towards him, "Calm down, all of you. As you all know we are performing _Alice in Wonderland_ this year." He was interrupted by a chorus of annoyed grunts for a moment, "AND I expect this to go smoothly, no horseplay! That means you, Naruto. Now, places everyone, places!"

And they all took their places least they be forced with the terror that is an enraged Iruka.

---

Two hours later found the group on break, all exhausted from going over line after line after line after—well, you get the point. Naruto, being the sneaky and awesome and skilled ninja that he was, had managed to sneak under Iruka's manual labor radar and made it outside under the bleachers unharmed. God, he was good.

Damned good!

Smirking, he settled himself to lie in the soft green grass, intent on playing hooky from rehearsals for the rest of the day.

Practice and grades be damned! He could only take so much torture, after all…

It seemed like he had just closed his eyes (seeing, for a brief minute, a strange cage with red eyes in his mind) when he felt someone trip over his feet, causing him to snap his eyes open and jerk awake.

What the hell?

"Ugh… watch where you put your feet… how troublesome…"

Naruto blinked the sleep from his eyes, staring at the boy pushing himself up before him. Was that Shikamaru? No way—wait, had Shikamaru gotten a new costume? Naruto pondered over Shikamaru's new, much fancier costume as the brunet pulled a stunning gold pocket-watch from his vest. The blond watch, surprised, as a fluffy white ear twitched, "Damn it. I'm late. What a drag."

Wait… wait… WAIT. They're costumes didn't have moveable ears… did they?

No.

Without another glance at him, Shikamaru turned and hopped off—well, walked off, anyway. And that's when Naruto noticed two very important things.

One, he wasn't in the bleachers anymore.

All around him were strange, strange things. A meadow, grasses, trees… What the hell was going on? Where were the dead grass, the rusty bleachers, and the garbage that had once littered the ground?!

And, two, he wasn't wearing his clothes anymore. Not that he was naked, or anything. It was just that his old outfit was suddenly… new looking.

Deciding that it would indeed be in his best interest to follow his friend out of this place (that he had definitely NOT fallen asleep in!) and back to school.

He would never, ever skip Iruka's class again!

"Oi, Shika, wait up!" Naruto cried, chasing after the boy who had disappeared into… a tree?

Oh, fuck no.

But… who the hell knew what was out here? If he stayed, he could be… eaten or something!

With a gulp, Naruto summoned up all his courage and jumped into the hole in the tall oak tree that his friend had disappeared into moments before.

The ironic part of his mind supplied that he was, indeed, going 'down the rabbit hole.'

And he was playing Alice.

Haha. Get it?

He promptly told it to shut the _fuck_ up.

Why was he tormented with an annoying little voice?

WHY!?

-------------

End Chapter One.


	2. Chapter 2

The Adventures of Naru-Chan in Porno-Land

By: Madd Envy Freak

---

Warnings for this chapter: Oral, crazyess, KyuuNaru

A/N: Hey all! Oh! I'm recruiting new members for my otaku club… thing. Which is basically a roleplaying/fanfic writing society… thing. Yeah. If you're interested check out my bio and look up the website. Or drop me a line.

Things may be chaotic for a while, since my family just got done moving (again) and I may be starting work soon.

---

Chapter Two: First Door on the End

---

This was… definitely not Konoha. Was he in the twilight zone or something? It sure as hell looked like it!

Ok, so, what did Naruto learn today?

Following a rabbit-Shikamaru down a tree was NOT a good idea.

All around him were doors. Doors, doors and doors. Big ones, small ones, and some that even looked like gates or… something. And they were all in different colors. White, red, orange (he liked that particular door), black; you name it, there was a door in that color. And to make it worse, the floor was some sort of messed up spirally checkerboard. Kinda like someone took a black and white tile floor and warped it.

That or he stabbed himself with a needle while he was plummeting down the rabbit hole.

But he didn't see anything like that on the way down. And he was sure Shikamaru didn't do drugs. They were too troublesome for him, after all.

Speaking of Shikamaru, where did that rabbit-eared lazy ass go?

Taking a deep breath, Naruto readied himself for whatever was about to come and set out down the hall of psychedelic-ness.

Haha. Maybe a messed up hippie lived here.

Yeah.

Anyway, moving on now.

First of all, he needed to find Shikamaru. Yup.

Onward!

"SHIKAMARU!!! WHERE ARE YOU!?!?"

"Oi, idiot… no need to be so loud. Tch. You're such a drag…"

Naruto jumped and spun around nearly tripping over himself and his much too big boots, and stared at an annoyed looking Shikamaru.

"How did you get there?!" Naruto demanded, pointing at him.

Shikamaru obviously didn't think the question deserved an answer and opted to ask his own, "Who are you, anyway? And what are you doing in such a troublesome place?"

Naruto blinked in disbelief. Shikamaru was asking who he was? The nerve! "It's me, Naruto!"

The rabbit eared boy looked unimpressed, "Alright then. Well, if you're just going to hang around, don't touch anything. It would be too troublesome to fix whatever you break."

Well. If Shikamaru didn't know him, how did he know Naruto was an accident prone klutz?

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the castle. I'm late, I'm late! And it's such a drag…"

"Late? For what? And what castle?" Naruto asked, well, demanded of his amnesia-prone friend, following after him.

Shikamaru looked back at him with bored eyes, "Don't you have somewhere to be?" 

Naruto shrugged, remembering briefly that he was supposed to be practicing a play with Iruka, but… wasn't this more interesting? If this was anything, anyway. Was this even a thing at all? Or was it a here? Or a there? Or nowhere at all? Or even everywhere all at once? Perhaps it was the beginning of a new universe or the ending of the old one? And maybe Naruto had stumbled on a pan-dimensional rip in time and space and now he was in some wacked out parallel dimension that was suspiciously like his own, only molded in the shape of a deranged Alice in Wonderland motif.

Or… Was this all some convoluted delusion manifested by his overactive schizophrenic mind that he had affectionately named 'Kyuubi'? 

Ack. His brain hurt.

The lazy genius (well, currently the lazy rabbit-man) sighed in annoyance shoving his hands in his pockets as he looked up into the sky with a 'why me?' expression. Heh. Even in this weird ass place Shikamaru always acted put-upon. Like hanging out with his cool-self was horrible or something!

What did the lazy genius think he was? Annoying? Loud? Hyper? Tch.

Wait, don't answer that.

"Nah, nah, Shikamaru!"

The brunette began walking faster, hunching over slightly as his feet made sharp thuds against the freaky tiled floor.

"Where does this hall lead?"

Shikamaru grunted, practically at a run now—to which Naruto effortlessly kept.

"Shikamaru! You didn't answer me!"

Honestly. He swore his buddy was trying to get away from him!

"Holy fucking majesty, do you ever shut up?!" Shikamaru finally snapped, turning to the blond with a twitching eyebrow.

Naruto shrugged.

Obviously giving in to Naruto's superior bugging power, Shikamaru slowed to a stop and cast Naruto an exhasperated look, "What do you need to know that's so troublesome you need to bug me?"

"I want to know where this goes! I told you that!"

"These doors lead everywhere."

"Everywhere?"

"Yes, everywhere."

"So… like, where is everywhere?"

"EVERYWHERE!" Shikamaru all but yelled at the confused boy, waving his arms around at the doors.

"Well…" Naruto paused here, looking thoughtful. If he could go anywhere… where would he want to go? Canada? Japan?

Then again, if the doors lead somewhere else like this… maybe he was better off going home.

"Where's the door that leads to the outside?"

"First door on the end. Now, if you'll excuse me you troublesome kid, I have to get going because now I am horribly late. Good day."

The way Shikamaru said 'good day' lead Naruto to believe he didn't really mean it.

Jeeze. What crawled up his ass and died?

Wait a minute. How could a door be the first on the end? End of what? Where there more halls or something?

For all he knew, Shikamaru could have meant the end of the universe!

---

Apparently, Shikamaru meant the end of the hall.

Naruto stared up at the huge, ugly door. Although, to Naruto, it looked more like a huge gate that he couldn't see beyond. It was completely black beyond the rusty bars and he couldn't see more than two inches in. If that.

So. How was he supposed to open this huge thing? Was he supposed to slip through the bars? Well, they WERE wide enough… Hell, he could slip Chouji, that bastard Sasuke and himself at the same time.

"Who goes there?"

Naruto jumped back from the gate as a loud, muffled rustling came from deep inside. In the darkness, Naruto could barely make out the form of some large… animal... moving about? Then, two huge red eyes peered out at him through the gaps.

"I-I'm Naruto! Who are you?"

The being sneered and Naruto could see light glint off huge canines.

"I am Kyuubi, the gate keeper!"

Kyuubi?

As in… the thing inside his head? What the hell was going on?

"So… this is the gate outside?"

"Yes."

"Can I, uh, leave then?"

Kyuubi made a sound then that could have been mistaken for laughter as it stepped forward, face framed in the dull light as it—er, he—pressed his tall, lithe body against one of the bars. Naruto blinked, because really, this man looked nothing like the monster he had envisioned in his mind. This man's face was framed by Fire-red locks of hair that tumbled—well, he hoped it was fire red, not blood red—down his back and sharp, crimson eyes and claws…

Hey! Where were the tails and ears and stuff? Sure, this guy was sexy and all, but come on! He was supposed to look like a fox!

Or like a mutant animal on growth hormones.

Whatever.

"You want out, huh?" Kyuubi sneered as he slithered forward, eyes shadowed by his hair.

Of course, the evil, evil smile was very visable.

And very creepy. But sexy. Hmm. Creepishly sexy, maybe? 

Was creepishly sexy even a word?

Ah, well, judging by the evil look on the supposed-to-be-a-fox-man's face, his inappropriate English word usage was unimportant.

"Yeah, I want out…"

"What are you willing to do to get out?" The demon purred, eyes going half lidded.

Do? What did he mean by 'do'?

"Any… thing?"

"Is that a deal?"

There was something very sinister in the way he said that.

Of course, it wasn't as if Naruto had much choice in this.

"…Yes."

That twisted smile was back as Kyuubi took a step forward, his hands working at unbuckling his tight black pants.

"Uh… what are you doing?" Naruto squeaked, eyes widening as he took a step back.

"You said you would do anything…" Kyuubi drawled, hooking his thumbs into the waist band of his pants, tugging them down over sharp, angular hips.

"I didn't mean that!"

Naruto could have sworn he was singing soprano right about then as Kyuubi reached out with one hand while the other finished pushing his pants down to his thighs—honestly, didn't this guy ever hear of boxers?—to grasp Naruto by the hair and shove him to the floor on his knees.

Naruto tightened his lips and turned his head away when Kyuubi pressed his already erect member against the boy's mouth. This guy… did he honestly expect him to-to suck him off?!

He felt more than heard the rumbling growl that tore from Kyuubi's throat as the obviously angry demon wrenched his head up, red eyes flashing, "We made a deal, brat, you will give me what I want—now—or be stuck with me in this sewer for the rest of eternity."

Holy fuck.

When had the crazy hall turned into a freaky, flooded sewer?!

Oh God… what the hell had been in his ramen that day?

And… if he ever wanted to get out of here… he would have to suck this man off! That was nuts! NUTS!

But… he had too. Who knew what the crazy fucker would do to him if he refused.

Gulping, Naruto leaned forward, his face scrunched up in disgust, as he flicked his tongue over the tip of Kyuubi's cock earning a pleased purr from the man. Hmm. Maybe Kyuubi was more fox than he last thought… Ok. Now was not the time to be going on about a man's foxiness. This wasn't so bad, Naruto told himself as he encompassed the man in his mouth, and it could be worse. But how the hell do you give someone a blowjob? He wondered this to himself as he choked on the length, nose brushing against coarse red hair. Hard? Soft? Neither?

Man. He had a new respect for women. This blowjob shit was hard! Concentrating back on the task at, er, hand, he steadied his hands on the man's hips. He could feel the head hitting the back of his throat. It was gross, to say the least. The fact that he also found it slightly erotic was ignored. The tugging at his hair brought him back once again, and he ran his teeth over the silky flesh in retribution. Of course, it did him more harm than good as the tugging at his hair became even more painful while the cock inside of his mouth was shoved further down his throat. God, he wanted to get this over with. Naruto soon found himself sucking the man off as fast as he could; his small, dainty hands encircling the base of the thick shaft, alternating between tugs, strokes, and squeezes.

Kyuubi came shortly after that with a low growling… snarl? Blue eyes widened before he had time to debate the nature of said noise as Naruto gagged on the salty, thick liquid and he pulled back, coughing and spitting onto the ground. After he had finally managed to school himself, he glanced back up to see Kyuubi rearranging his clothes and an open gate behind him.

Red eyes looked down at him and Kyuubi drawled, "You are free to go."

Naruto nodded, standing on shaky legs, the bitter taste still in his mouth as he edged around the man. Finally. He was going home.

---

This… was not home. He had been suckered! This place was even more messed up than the first place. It looked like a cross between the Alice in Wonderland set and some demented Dr. Seuss world.

"Where the hell am I?!" Naruto cried out to no one in particular as he fell to his knees.

He had just given a man a blow job and it hadn't lead him anywhere!

"You are in Porno-Land."

Naruto jumped, once again. What the hell was this, sneak up on Naruto day? He turned, expecting some other sex-crazed freak.

He found worse.

"Are you a girl? Odd. You look too boyish to be a girl. And yet… you are obviously dickless." 

He found Sai in a bondage cat costume.

-----------------

End chapter two.


	3. Chapter 3

thThe Adventures of Naru-chan in Porno-Land

By: Madd Envy Freak

---

Chapter Three: Porno-Holic Dee and Dum vs. The Cat of Gay Colors

---

Naruto was in Hell, really. HELL. Here he was, in some deranged world painted by a five year old, and he was stuck with the most perverted person on the planet—well, next to Jiraiya and Kakashi… Sai.

And worse, the freak was in a damn cat costume. What had he done wrong? Had he killed a litter of cuddly puppies in a past life or something?

"I am not dickless, you freak!" Naruto snapped, eye twitching.

Damn. He could feel a tumor starting to grow.

Sai, from his position in a random pink tree, grinned an obscene (and obviously perverted) grin as he hopped down to land gracefully on his boot clad feet. Naruto twitched at the pink and purple striped shorts, vest thing and the striped undershirt and tights.

It was worse than his OWN outfit. Freak.

"Are you really? Well, why don't you prove it?" Sai chirped brightly, clapping his hands together as his tail swayed side to side.

Oh god. He even retorted the same way.

Naruto looked to the sky with a 'why me?' expression before turning heel and marching his ass down the bright yellow cobblestone path.

"Where are you going, blondy?" Sai asked as he skipped along behind him.

He was being stalked!

"Leave me alone, pervert!"

"Come now, dickless, if you want to find your way around this place, you'll need my help."

"I'd rather jump off a cliff!" Naruto shrieked as he broke out into a run—leaving the perverted cat in his dust. He hoped.

---

Ok, so, in retrospect maybe running off like that without a guide wasn't a good idea. Naruto nodded in agreement with himself as he sat on a random orange and pink log, looking around the vast forest filled with rainbow mushrooms.

Hmm. Maybe the Bastard had stuck some of those in his tea? Sasuke was always telling him to watch his back…

Oh God. Maybe this was some really weird drug induces mental trip?

…Nah. Sasuke wouldn't know where to get drugs. That goody-two-shoes.

Tch.

Anyway, back to the problem at hand. Naruto nodded to himself, glancing around at all of the pretty… uh. Foliage. Yeah. There were several winding paths of different colors, all of them looking like they lead to random places he didn't really want to go. Where were all the normal roads? He felt like a rainbow ninja trekking across gay-land.

So… where to go?

"You have outdone yourself again, Jiraiya!"

"HOHO! Of course, Kakashi! This has to be my best work yet!"

Naruto jumped, skidding back a few feet to hide behind a tree as two men reading some strange orange book strolled into the clearing. Upon further inspection, Naruto noticed certain… similarities between them and his teachers.

The fact that they said their names had nothing to do with it.

Weren't his teachers tweedle-dee and tweedle-dum in the play?

"So if that was Sai… these two idiots must be Jiraiya and Kakashi?" Naruto murmured to himself aloud, nodding. Wait… if they were perverts in his plane, dimension, _whatever_… what would they be like in this one? The blond felt himself pale considerably (probably making a damn good imitation of Sasuke in doing so) and decided the best thing to do would be run.

"Kakashi, did you hear something?"

Naruto's imitation of Sasuke turned into an imitation of a deer caught by headlights as he froze mid-creep.

"I think I did. It came from those bushes." Kakashi drawled, waving randomly in Naruto's direction—nose still buried in his book.

Naruto then decided now would be the time to make his get-away. With a screech of horror, he dive-bombed out of his bush and made a mad dash down one of the paths—only to be lifted up by his ankle and hefted into the air.

"Look what we have here, Kakashi! It's a blond girl!"

"I'M NOT A DAMN GIRL YOU ASSHOLE! NOW LET ME DOWN!" He roared, twisting and struggling to get out of Jiraiya's firm grip.

"A boy?" He heard, but didn't see, Kakashi approach them from behind. "You don't look like one to me. How odd. Perhaps this girl's a little… weird."

Naruto could practically feel Jiraiya nodding, "And look at that horrible outfit! Such a pretty little thing doesn't belong in such rags!"

When Naruto heard the little orange book snap shut he knew he was in trouble. Very, very much trouble.

"I do believe you just got that order of fetish clothes in, didn't you, Jiraiya?"

"It was for research!"

Oh God, he was going to die.

---

He was worse than dead. He was in Hell.

As if the damn skirt thing they made him wear wasn't bad enough, Jiraiya and Kakashi-insisting he was female-forced him into the most frilly, girly little ensemble they could find. Naruto cringed as they spun him around in front of a huge mirror, his big, poufy orange and white skirt lifting away from his slim legs.

He… he even had a bow in his hair. He wanted to cry.

His masculinity was ruined. RUIIINNNEEED!

Nodding to each other, for what had to be the millionth time, the two perverted men began rummaging through the box again.

"What else does she need, do you think?"

"A toy of some sort, perhaps a fox?"

"Kakashi, you are genius!"

"Oh, stop!" Kakashi giggled, waving girlishly.

Naruto twitched. God. Did his teacher have to act so… gay?

"Ah-ha!" Jiraiya shouted as he pulled a large, stuffed red fox from the box and shoved it into Naruto's arms, "Perfect! Ten-out-of-ten!"

Kakashi nodded, wiping away an imaginary tear from his eye, "She is, yes."

"I'm a boy!" Naruto insisted angrily, tugging at the fox's head angrily. Maybe he would feel better if he tugged its head off? Yessssssssss.

"Onward to the studio!" Jiraiya said, cutting off Naruto's inner evil plotting, hitting his fist against his open hand with a nod.

"Studio…?" Naruto asked slowly, eyes narrowing in suspicion. He did NOT like the sound of that!

"Of course!" Kakashi chirped as he and Jiraiya dragged him down the hall, "It's time to take pictures!"

"What! No way!" Naruto gasped, trying to wriggle out of their grasps. What kind of pictures would they take of him while he was dressed up like this?!

Porn ones, obviously.

A few minutes later Naruto found himself being shoved onto a mini stage in front of a huge old fashion camera and being blinded by tall lamp-light things shining in his eyes.

"Pose girl, pose!" Jiraiya cheered, giving him a thumbs up as he crouched behind the camera.

"Fuck you!" Naruto snarled, tugging his dress down further over his knees.

"How adorable! Look how she's trying to be coy!"

"Yes! Splendid picture! Kakashi, go start that fan! We can get a shot of her holding her skirt down!"

"Brilliant!"

"Do it and DIE!" Naruto shrieked, trying to make himself as small as possible as he was blinding by flashes and hit by wind—apparently the fan could damn near make a storm with those gusts.

"She is so pretty! Kakashi, you know what she needs?"

"To be wet!"

"Yes!"

"WHAT!?"

Naruto was panicking now. Where they going to try to molest him or something? Dear God, he had to get out. Thinking with his feet, he made a mad dash towards what he hoped was the door. He hoped it was, since he was currently camera blind and all…

"Jiraiya! Our model has just run away!"

Well, he was trying to run away. It didn't help that the damn wall kept getting in his way!

"Looks like you need my help after all, dickless."

No. No. NOOO! Naruto felt like crying. Who was he supposed to choose, the porn addicts or this freak? And why the hell was he sitting like that on the windowsill!?

"Well, do you want my assistance?"

Through his horribly blurred vision, he could just make out that evil, evil little smile on Sai's face.

"God, yes, you bastard! Get me out of here!"

Sai nodded happily, bouncing off and ushering the blond up and through the window.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?! That's our girl!" Jiraiya snapped.

"Are you crazy?" Sai asked curiously, tilting his head to the side.

The two perverts paused, blinking, as they momentarily forgot the blond who was running very far away. "What?"

Sai nodded solemnly, "I think we're all a little crazy here, you know?"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Jiraiya snapped, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Did you know the crow caws five hundred times a day?" Sai chirped brightly, tail swaying.

Kakashi blinked, "Really?"

"How should I know? I'm a cat, not a crow." Sai retorted with a drawl as he turned and leapt deftly out the window.

"…I don't get it." Jiraiya muttered, frowning.

"Ah."

--------------------------------

Finally! Done! Well, I need a new beta again. I don't know where mine went. . Figures. Gah. Guess what! I got a ferret. WOOT! -pets Spike von Ferrette, the ferret-


End file.
